There’s nothing like trying to change your life or live a dream for triggering self-doubt, acrimony & fear. I wish I was immune, but I am not. I am aware and that’s half the battle, but right now as I look at the all the work before & behind me, I just want to roll up into a ball and disappear. And I can hear the train of self-sabotage coming full speed right at me.
So what’s a girl to do?
Stopping isn’t an option. As what is upon me now is merely a symptom of a greater ill; living your life as an underachiever; as a chronic disappointment to oneself. I could go on and on about my struggles and obstacles but at the end day it’s all bullshit, and the responsibility for my happiness is solely mine.
Sometimes I wish I could be motivated by fame or money or even sex, but they move me not. All I want is the freedom of creative expression and not to be judged. But it seems like, after decades of oppression and condemnation, I have become my jailer.
Where the fuck is the key?